To hear this will probably upset some people. People are not capable of the kind of change we like to believe. Not for the reasons we like to believe we can change. Not at the speed we believe we can make those changes. And not at the scale we like to believe we can make those changes. It’s a sad and unfortunate reality. Most of the pieces that are core to who we are as people are pretty near set in place before the age of 7. It’s not impossible to improve in those areas, but it will take serious work and dedication to achieve the most minimal of gains, and they risk disappearing on you entirely in moments of high stress. Thankfully, social skills are skills. And social skills are not inherent traits.
What do I mean by saying that social skills are not inherent traits? That you are not born with them. Social skills can be passed down, but it’s more about the parenting you received as a child than the parent whose DNA you share. Through your genes, you have started this journey with advantages. Maybe you began this race with obstacles other people didn’t have. Some of the characteristics about you will be more static than others. But it’s a mistake think being skilled socially is one of those inherent things that you just have to learn to accept.
A Matter Of Fact? Or Fiction?
Listen to the language people use when speaking about their weaknesses or limitations. People on a path of improvement speak differently than those who in stagnation. Some people are incapable of improving their situation. They do not believe they have any ability to control anything around them, or even within them. Often they use language that sounds very permanent and matter-of-fact. Through their language, you can tell whether or not they are going to remain a certain way. If you hear a friend say, “I get paralyzed with anxiety in a group of more than 3 people.”, those are words of resignation. It’s delivered as a dryly stated fact that cannot be argued. The wording itself suggests that there are no plans to change it as we move forward into the future. They chose language that implies it won’t change because it can’t be changed.
If you challenge yourself, you wouldn’t speak about that issue using that language even if that was exactly the results you got. You don’t have to go full buy-in with the power of attraction stuff. The kind of wording you use really does matter though. Maybe it feels too fake and corny to always be cheery and positive. That’s fine. But it’s no requirement for you to be gloomy and self-limiting instead. Removing the limitations you place upon yourself while structuring the same sentence makes it so much more possible.
Humans Too Often Do The Opposite Of What They Need To Be Doing
That same person could have said, “Sometimes, I will get lost in my head in groups of 3 or more people.”. It identifies the same weakness. The phrasing doesn’t sound very positive at all. It’s not hopeful. But contained within, there is still hope. The word ‘sometimes’ at the very least suggests a person that is not actively sabotaging themselves. We have a powerful need to always reconfirm preexisting world views a point it makes learning near impossible for many people after childhood. That is too passive a mindset. As they every interaction began with a dice roll. Like it was forever needing to roll a 6 or it was bust. You can almost feel the fear and apprehension in those words. Fear of those social situations where their limitations present themselves.
What is the typical response to something we feel anxious or afraid of? We try not to think about it at all. We will often do the opposite and find ourselves fixated on it. We will build it up in our minds until it is towering over us. I will become entirely unstable before we want to pay it any mind. This can result in being crushed when it eventually falls to the ground.
This Is The Year
If the same person had said, “This is the year I plan to get more and more comfortable in groups of 3 or more.”. Or something like, “I struggle to get my voice heard in groups, but I am looking for ways to improve getting my voice heard.”. It’s expressing the same struggles and limitations in the other examples. The messages here are not cheerful. They are however extremely positive. They are speaking of their limitations as though it was some ancestor that dealt with them, a thing of their past. Social skills are not inherent traits.
This person is not some passenger in their own life. They don’t sit there waiting for things to either happen or not happen for them. They are in control. Of everything they can control. No need to accept of limitations on something as vital as being able to operate in a group of 5 or more. There is no hope for an improvement on the next or any future occasions. Their mindset is why they never seem to stumble. Life might be challneging them to them still today. But last week was a greater struggle. Next week will be easier because of the struggle yesterday.
Invest In Your Improvement
This kind of thing does actually matter. The first person isn’t just the worst in social situations. He should experience to most growth simply by having the most room to grow. But you can tell by the language he is going to avoidant of the stress and anxiety such situations bring on.
The second person acknowledges that things go right more than 0% of the time at least. Maybe that’s enough to scale back on the degree of self-sabotage hurt the first person. It’s too passive. There won’t be too many occasions this person stumbles and manages to persevere. If they fall on their face, they are going to assume it’s not their night, and things will snowball out of control from there. This person might believe in personal accountability, but they are not crediting themselves as being as capable as they actually are.
Stress Comes From Lack Of Perceived Ability To Change Circumstances
A feeling of not having any control over whether a social experience was going to be good or bad would be a great source of stress. Stressing about such encounters leaves all of those interactions as something that leaches away your energy and life force. You won’t hide from having to operate in a group. . . but you are probably looking to avoid it unless the situation was too good to pass up for whatever reason.
Still, even though they have more skill and ability than the person, the rate at which they improve is much greater than the first person. They are simply avoiding the kind of uncomfortable situations that spur growth. The 1st person in comparison is barricading themselves behind locked doors to try to eliminate those encounters entirely.
To Those Who Have Most, Most Will Be Given.
To those who have the most, most will be given. The 3rd person is not just already in a better spot, but they are set to learn at a much, much greater rate than the other two. The key difference is that they are entering into every group dynamic that presents itself. They don’t see it as their track having a bunch of obstacles in it to make them fail. Challenges are going to be there for everybody. You can choose to see them how you want. As things there to make you fail. Or placed strategically to help you get as stronger.
This person wasn’t on the fast track to social mastery any more or less than the first two. The difference in results would be dramatic though. They are diving into more and more group scenarios than the other two, giving them many more chances to improve their skill. Of greater benefit is that they are not entering these social situations with the same tangled ball of stress and anxiety.
They are entering these environments with enthusiasm, and excitement with the chance to better themselves. There are few things you can do better when it comes to operating in a group than to bring enthusiasm. It makes you seem fun, passionate like you are fundamentally good, and positive. Going into these situations with a big genuine smile is going to generate more positive results than otherwise, further boosting confidence, and driving you to push yourself even harder to seek out new experiences, people to meet, and chances to practice.
Gamify Your Life.
It’s not as simple to break down social skills that way NBA2k does by trying to give all the players different ratings as a passer, shooter, ballhandler, etc. But make no mistake. Your social skills are a collection of individual skills very much in the same way that can all be improved individually to help out your overall value.
There isn’t just one option, with that option being to accept your lot in life. Not when it comes to being able to approach people. Being able to handle yourself in formal party-type environmental, at occasions like a wedding. The ability to function in large groups like you find in some workplaces, you have more options than simply accepting how good, or bad you are. 1 option is to throw your hands up and excuse yourself of all blame, which also means you dodge accountability and try to find some bliss in the ignorance of your failures.
You Don’t Have To Accept Anything
Social skills are not inherent traits though. You don’t have to accept anything. You don’t have to give up due to your limitations. You don’t have to recognize that certain things can knock you out of certain races you thought you could compete in. With the right mindset, you can take and keep control of how your interactions when with groups of people consistently end up going. Completely free of anxiety too. When you come to learn that your failures are your best chances to learn, and your best chance to implement changes, the prospect of failure isn’t paralyzing. You are either coasting and winning, or you don’t win but come out bigger, stronger, and faster instead.
If it was all failure you would never build anything. Coast to victory too many times in a row, you are going to get passed and left behind others who do not give their leads back up because of all the lessons failure taught them, and how much stronger that made them while you were getting spoiled, fat, and lazy.
Failure isn’t something to avoid. It’s a necessary component to lasting success. You want to identify potential catastrophic failures that could arise and work to avoid those. But smaller failures at a frequency that you can learn to tolerate are like stopping for a moment after so many use to quickly sharpen your knife a little bit. Maybe it seems like you were falling behind at that very moment. But the person who didn’t stop is stopping to smush things like he is trying to cut things with a butterknife, and eventually cut things with the handle of a butterknife. Seek out failure. To the right degree. At a frequency, you can handle. But seek it out.
